Too much, too soon, and my photo shoot

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I was on a steady clip of posting every couple of days and I just blew it with nearly a week off! I have been so overwhelmed by emotion, kindness, free time (I usually never get any, but with cancer, suddenly *poof*!, I’m on PTO from work for a while), laundry, weeding, and back-to-school chores. Writing paralysis, brought on by an acute feeling of too-much-too-soon.

First thing’s first: I received a FU** Cancer t-shirt in the mail with no note or return address. It’s like Secret Santa in August! If you sent it, please know I’m wearing it as I type. Thank you.

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Second, I thought you’d like to know that I did my first-ever nudie pictures the other day. I don’t think they’re revenge-porn worthy so likely won’t go viral, but I found it kind of ironic. Mark was there, but so was a lovely surgical medical assistant and some really bright fluorescent lights. It was hot in a different kind of way. We were at MGH to meet with the plastic surgeon who will be doing my reconstruction. Point of interest for you readers — they can do reconstruction now at the time of the mastectomy. From what I understand, this is a fantastic development in the world of breast cancer treatment, and I feel very lucky to be in the hands of the capable people who wrote the book (or research paper) on this procedure. Literally.

The procedure will be four-ish hours long with the first half being the removal of tissue and lymph nodes and the second half being installation of a new pair of boobies, intended to be a younger and fresher but comparable replacement set to their predecessors. I’ll wake from my restful slumber wrapped in a plastic-wrap like film (think Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes?) and that’s how I’ll stay, for two weeks. I’ll have drains (I refuse to participate in or learn about this part, if you have questions please search the internet or ask my sister) which will be taken out after one and then two weeks. After the two-week mark, I should be “healed” — if I do MY part, which is to rest, stay dry, and take my antibiotics.

All of the physicians at the MGH Breast Center seem to have taken courses in breast artistry – each of them has demonstrated their skill with lovely line drawings of my future chest profile with great ease. I’ve complimented them each time, which seems to entertain them to no end. Apparently, that’s not the kind of feedback they typically get. It’s like they think people are going to be impressed with their MD/PhD combos or something.

Last note, I highly recommend shopping for school supplies in early August. Not only are the stores impeccably organized but they are completely desolate. We had the run of the place — silver lining, right?

 

 

 

 

 

10 Comments

  • Love this and that t-shirt! Cancer sure does suck! So happy you are at MGH and getting amazing care. So, important to lean on them. Love you lots!

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  • Amazing Amanda,
    You are a rock star, hysterically funny writer and will kick cancer butt without a doubt! We are all running alongside the bus cheering for you and shouting obscenities at the cancer simultaneously. My friend Mary Townsend in Cape Elizabeth posted this on her site as she was battling breast cancer (beat it too) and I hope it makes you laugh today! Love, Sara

    This about sums it up…

    For now, here is a passage written by a breast cancer survivor that captures pretty aptly how I am feeling. It was sent to me by a friend this morning and gave me a good (and much needed) laugh. (Please excuse the language…)

    “What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

    Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

    So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion – “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” – and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

    Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

    As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy – they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself – why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that – and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

    Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you – maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband – comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

    Eventually, you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

    Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

    Maybe. You’re not sure – it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

    And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

    Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

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    • Oh yes- forgot- when I got home John came running into my arms and said, “can I see your new boobs yet?” – I explained that I didn’t have them yet… but that I picked out glow in the dark ones…. he giggled.

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  • You are funny Amanda!!! That sense of humor is going to get you far. And the good docs of course. And I saw that “mountain lion” passage last year- it is great… a big mountain ahead for sure, but you are stronger than you know. Another silver lining, you’ll know it soon. Trying to channel you all I got!!! Much Love to the whole fam.

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  • Amanda…
    You have it all together…I, too, love that shirt! Didn’t get one of those myself or have this opportunity for the ‘shrink wrap’process. Sending lots of love, sunny days, and patience your way 💕💕

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