John’s only question

Now I don't want to make anyone jealous, but my kids love me. Like a lot. And they think I'm invincible. And the boss. Totally in charge.

When I found out about the cancer, my first thought was for my kids. They are too young to have a mom who is sick or needs surgery or a bald head. It is too soon for them to know what worry and hurt really are. And I was terrified of the thought of appearing weak or incapable or scared in front of them. As I'm now keenly aware, though, things don't always go the way we want.

At my first cancer team meeting I was told about a program through MGH that helps parents message illness to children. We got all
kinds of pamphlets and advice from experts and someone from the program called me both Tuesday and Wednesday to talk. We decided to tell them Wednesday night.

The advice we got can just about apply to any kind of tough news you need to share with kids:

1) Be direct. Don't avoid calling it what it is. Don't sugar-coat and definitely do not dumb things down for them. They are smart. They are perceptive.

2) Remember that they are part of the family and want to be seen as such. They want to help and be part of the process of healing. Keeping secrets or whispering about the issue will cause them to be insecure.

3) Dispel worries by SHOWING them what you're dealing with. Bring them to the hospital. Show them that you're being cared for by kind people.

4) Your attitude and tone will drive how they perceive the situation. Get your head around the issue before you talk to the kids about it.

Our message to them was essentially "when you turn 40, women are required to get an x-ray of their breasts to make sure they are healthy. I got that last week and the doctors saw some spots that worried them. After another test, the doctors told me that it was breast cancer. To fix it, they are going to do an operation and cut off my boobs that have the cancer in them and give me new ones. After that, the doctors are going to give medicine to make sure it is really gone."

The kids each responded differently:

Maggie, age 11.5: "Can you die of breast cancer?"

Annie, age 9: "Are you sleeping over at the hospital?"

John, age 6: climbs into my lap and starts tapping my arm (I ignore, per usual, so I can answer the girls)

Maggie: "Where will we go during surgery? I don't want to stay with Gram. I want to go to Emmy's."

Annie: "Sounds like you are at a good hospital. The doctors must be SMART."

John: (still tapping)

Me: "WHAT, John????"

John, (whispering): Pause... Giggle… "Mom? What color will your new boobs be?"