The bus dropped me off here a couple of weeks ago and told me they’d pick me up in a few months. During my first chemo appointment I waded in and stopped. I was told at today’s appointment that I need to get in and swim. I have no choice. I’m only up to my ankles so far and it doesn’t seem too bad but from what I can see of this red, toxic lake, and from what I have heard, swimming will make me tired and sick, run-down, with dry and itchy skin and eyes. It’ll make my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes fall out and I’ll get mouth and lip sores. And my toenails might even turn black.
I can’t recall a time in my life where I have stood at the edge of an experience with the knowledge that it’ll hurt me and make me sick, with very little I can do to help it. Childbirth brought with it the promise of a new, healthy baby. Surgery had the promise of ridding me of cancer and post-operative medication.
But this seems different, and more overwhelming. My fear of the unknown, mixed with an unrelenting frustration that this is EVEN happening with a dose of anger tossed in for good measure makes this nearly unbearable. For those of you reading my entries up until this point who have wondered how I have this optimistic, happy outlook on life in the face of this diagnosis, fear not: I do not have a heart of stone. I was a blubbering, sobbing, snorting, wheezing blob of anxiety yesterday. It wasn’t pretty. But it was necessary, and it made me feel better, actually. Especially when paired with one of my husband’s big, strong, hugs.
So, I showed up. Dry ice in cooler, cold caps and two goofball friends in tow, to ensure my hair follicles are icy and sleepy and I get lots of laughs. And then, with my cold cap on, I dove in.
I didn't have time for this. 
You make me laugh and cry all at the same time. You are truly inspirational and I have passed your blog info along to another woman, your age, married mother of one teenage girl who is going through the same.
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Please share it along to anyone who might find it interesting or entertaining— I’m learning there are no bounds to this.
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I hope when this whole ordeal is over and done with that you will continue with your blog! You are a wonderful writer, Miss Amanda, full of humor, respect and guidance for others! Love you my dear! Did you enjoy the book I sent? Thought of you and your friends the minute I read it! Be a wild Mom on occasion, you are entitled! 😘 XO Gaye
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Gaye I love it! the best was the kids’ reaction to it- they saw it, smiled and rolled their eyes and said mom that’s just perfect for you!!! Xo
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Hi Amanda I’m Maureen Febiger’s sister-
I had not-good-odds lymphoma 10!years ago-chemo,bone marrow transplant,3 weeks in hospitals bubble area. But here I am,riding horses,xc skiing,greatly enjoying life and my worst longterm side effect is allergy to shellfish. I kept ice in my mouth for the strongest chemo and I did not get mouth sores. I cut all my hair off but became bald as an egg anyhow.I had a lot of scarves, My mantra was”Bring on your damn cats” (passed on to me from a friend of a friend )which i offer to you if you want !
Big dangly earrings go well with a scarf,I think-kind of a gypsy look. Best of luck. It is a weird experience ,all right!
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So nice to meet you! Weird is the understatement of the year. And I have my dangly earrings ready!
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Just remember what Disney taught us: just keep swimming, just keep swimming!!! You’ve got this, it definitely isn’t all glamorous or happy and the crappy days will suck but you will prevail!
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Yes!!!!
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Ah, I remember that feeling well. The day before the fort chemo was the worst. My mom had to drag me out of the car…I didn’t want to go (hubby was home with our 1yo and two 3 yos). Yet go I did. Lost all my hair. Surprisingly loved being bald…much less work,throw on a scarf and go. Relied on friends and family. Laughed a bunch , cried only a bit…and here I am almost 5 years post. Doing well and not really thinking about it. You will get here. But first you have to be there. Only one piece of advice: DRINK WATER. I drank 2-3 Liters the night before and at least 2 the day of. Peed constantly. But tolerated treatment reasonably well.
Best of luck
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Water seems to be helping tremendously. Thank you. Laughter is the best medicine though. For sure.
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Hi Amanda…
Remember, you are entitled to have feelings and emotions that run up and down the spectrum! A/C is tough stuff, but it’s job is the kill every cancer cell lurking in your body….think of it as an insurance policy.
You’re on the bus which is rolling along…2 down, 2 more A/C to go!! One step at a time….love you!
Your blog is fantastic….there’s lots of talent there!!
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Thank you for the encouragement! I love insurance… 🙂
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