Gratitude

The holidays, not just the actual day of Thanksgiving, always give me pause. There are things that have happened this year that I am NOT very thankful for. But at the same time, this year more than ever, I have so many things TO be thankful for, and many of them have appeared since my diagnosis. The following is my best effort to capture them, in chronological order.

I am thankful for my sister Emily. She’s an ob-gyn, and one of the finest physicians I know. She’s also my fiercest advocate and was the person who reminded me to book my baseline mammogram at 40 and who did not relent until she knew I was sitting in the waiting room. She dropped everything and cleared her schedule when she got the initial call from the radiologist, met me with a calmness and assuredness I’ll never forget. After the initial meeting with the surgeon, she picked me up some Ativan and several bottles of white wine. She’s also taken cold-capping to a whole new level.

I am thankful for Dr. Andrea Rescinti, Emerson Breast surgeon, who, after my second mammogram, cleared her schedule to make time for me to read the results and immediately got me into the head of radiology’s schedule for an intensive biopsy the following morning. Her kindness in the face of my shock and swift coordination made the waiting minimal and the whole thing maybe just a bit more bearable.

I am thankful for the radiology technician I saw after the biopsy, when I was overwhelmed, numb, and slightly (ha!) battered and bruised. After a 4-site biopsy, she needed to give me another mammogram and with her Reiki training touched me and comforted me in ways I will always remember.

I am thankful to my little sister Julie, who from afar, coordinated volunteer help that included everything from the delivery of groceries to decorating for Fall and everything in between. She’s left her pack of small children at home several times already to help me post-surgery and visit during chemo. She checks in relentlessly and worries for me all the time. It’s horrible to have a big sister with cancer. It’s even more horrible to be far away, and I’m sorry, Juge.

I am thankful for the people who donated to a trip to Maine, arranged by friends for Mark and me, to get away for a few days before surgery. It was such a gift to have a quiet, serene, place and time together to prepare for what was to come.

I am thankful Massachusetts General Hospital and my surgeons Drs. Michelle Specht and Eric Liao who removed the cancer in both breasts and lymph nodes and put me back together again, respectively.

I am thankful for Dr. Tom Irving. For being hot and showing up on Sunday to look at a suburban housewife’s distressed nipple. And for being hot.

I am thankful for my dear friend and dedicated neighborhood nurse, Melissa, who came over twice a day (+) to check my surgical drains, clean them and do the things I couldn’t. I’m thankful to her for taking the time to learn how to cold cap and for giving me my Neulasta shots every Thursday after chemo to keep my bone marrow pumping. Come to think of it, she comes over almost twice a day even now – just because.

I am thankful for my mother-in-law Patty, my bonus Mom, for coming down from Maine and helping to keep the house running while I was resting after surgery. I wasn’t allowed to do much, and she stepped in and kept things seamless.

I am thankful for Dr. Steven Isakoff and his fellow Dr. James Torchia for their oncology expertise and guidance through my chemotherapy routine. And for their sympathy when I told them, and asked them to imagine for themselves, some of my more mortifying/uncomfortable side effects.

I am thankful for the nurses. My post-operative nurses and their staff. My chemo nurses, especially Bob, who keeps me smiling through each treatment.

I am thankful to (ironically, but credit goes where credit is due) the inventor of Mustard Gas, which is the first known chemical compound that led to the discovery of Chemotherapy. Weird, right? And to the researchers at University of Pennsylvania and Yale who pursued early discoveries related to the reduction of white blood cells and eventually tumor size to eventually create chemotherapy’s earliest relative.

I am thankful to the researchers at MGH who have discovered the long list of over-the-counter medications including Colace, Prilosec, Tylenol and Claritin (of all the random things, how did they figure THAT out?) that help with side-effects and make this regimen bearable.

I am thankful for the founders and staff at Penguin Cold Caps, who developed this highly non-technical technology that has saved my hair. I haven’t lost any of it yet, and that has changed my entire cancer treatment experience for me and my children. I am thankful also for the Rapunzel Project, who facilities the information sharing and funding support for others like me to use this expensive therapy, which is just starting to be covered by U.S. Insurance.

I am thankful for my FU Cancer team, who have and will show up for me. At home and at the hospital, and via text, to make me laugh and feel loved during each appointment.

I am thankful to all of my friends and friends who have volunteered to bring groceries, meals and chemo gift surprises to make our lives at home easier and push us with spirit and love through this journey.

I am thankful to the women in my life who are unfortunately on the cancer bus with me, the ones who knew how I would feel, prepped me for the worst, boosted me up when no one else would understand. Aubin, Tracey, Ashley, Barbara, I’m so sad we are in this stupid club, but so very grateful that we have each other.

I am thankful for the countless number of people who have sent texts, emails, cards, small gifts, tokens of encouragement, flowers, comfy clothes… every single one of these gestures has overwhelmed me with love and support over the weeks and through the miles.  It has lifted me up, and makes each day a little lighter when they come.

I am thankful for Dr. Alphonse Taghain (who is not Armenian, fyi), and his protons and photons, though I don’t know what they are, because they will be the final blow to the cancer that might remain after surgery and chemo and will be the (hopefully) end to this treatment cycle. I will be thankful also to anyone who can explain to me simply what photons and protons are and how they will kill cancer cells. I suppose my physicist father or my high school friend Alex might be two people at the top of that list, I think they know about these things.

I am thankful for Mel, Rap, Erica and Michele at Daybreak Crossfit for reminding me what good nutrition and exercise can do for a girl – especially one who is going through chemo, and whispering to me in my ear when they haven’t heard from me in a while. I’m getting back on the horse and will be the better for it.

I am thankful for my leadership team at athenahealth and all of my co-workers and teams. For putting up with my unexpected absence from work in August/Sept and part of Oct and for welcoming me back with open arms and smiles and distractions. You’ve kept me going and keep me anchored and I am so, so, grateful.

I am thankful for the Marlborough Region of New Zealand, which has produced some of my favorite Sauvignon Blancs, which have played a crucial role in my survival since August 1.

And finally, without the ability to true do this justice with just the typed word, I am grateful to my parents for their unconditional, immediate support with everything that’s happened these last few months.

And for my beautiful, kind, thoughtful, funny children that have kept me moving forward, paused with me for some tears and lots of hugs, and cheered me up with their silly selves. Margaret, Anneliese, and John, I am so proud of you and blessed to be your mom.

And to Mark, for loving me so much, worrying for me all the time, and doing everything he can to make this unbearable time just a little bit better in every way he can think of.

xx