Recovery

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The word means a lot of things to a lot of people, especially when it relates to an illness. Everyone in my family is recovering and adapting to this new reality in their own ways. Me, I feel like I’ve recovered several times over the last 9 months…

  • That time I found out I had areas of concern in both breasts, during my FIRST MAMMOGRAM EVER, with NO FAMILY HISTORY.
  • That time I saw what a few measly needles could do to some pretty nice, unscarred breasts (think purple bruising for miles and miles).
  • That time I was told the best course of action would be an immediate-bilateral mastectomy and found out afterwards that I would remain numb in that whole area – forever.
  • That time I woke up from said surgery with incisions and drains and bandages realized I’d gained my health but would forever have something lost.
  • That time I found out I tested positive for a little-known but virulent gene mutation, PALB2, which made it near-given that I’d end up with breast cancer.
  • The eight times I was administered poison to kill the remaining cancer cells and got a shot in the stomach from my best friend that promised to limit the damage to my bones.
  • The day I stopped radiation, which signaled the end to a daily routine that seemed to make less and less sense the more I got burned.
  • The day I left for vacation. Healed, a little tired, but with my people, all of them, showing me their strength and loving me back to normal.

The burns from radiation have healed, and the scars are continuing to fade. I count my blessings and recall all of the things (and more) for which I am thankful, and am happily, mundanely, tiredly back to the boring business of being a full-time working mom and wife.

Writing helped me through the worst of it, and I hope it’ll help me trudge through what the heck just happened and how to move forward. I have some ideas about things I want to share with you — ways the kids and we coped and kept things “normal”, the little things people did to show they cared, and what I learned by sitting in cancer waiting rooms.

Stay tuned, I’m feeling good, look pretty normal, and will be back.

 

4 Comments

  • Amanda, Your voice in writing your story is so authentic, so real, fluid, seemingly effortless and approachable. You dig way down deep to let us know what you are experiencing, which was devastating, but you do it with humor and irony. I am simply blown away by your writing which gives me an insight into what you have been going through. You are right- you don’t have time for this. I hope you are able to do as you say- get on with the “boring” job of being a mom,wife and going to work, which is an amazing feat in and of itself without a cancer diagnosis and treatment. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since day 1. love to you, Maureen

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  • Thank you! I am late to the party and was referred to your blog by a friend of yours, that I happen to be a on a message board with. I am sitting in limbo waiting for my biopsy results. I am in my late 40’s (also from MA… go Pats this weekend.) Saturday will be by birthday. I felt a lump about 3 weeks ago, busy mom and full time breadwinner for our family. I had a big meeting, I had to attend for a week. I came back from that meeting and immediately got in to see my dr. They immediately ordered my mammogram and ultrasound. And was told it definitely needed a biopsy. I had my biopsy on Tuesday and have been waiting for the final results of the biopsy. But like you the radiologist that did the biopsy prepared me that this will definitely come back as cancer. So now I wait…. hoping he is wrong, knowing he isn’t and trying to stay strong and not lose it in front of my 10 year old and my boyfriend. I have moments when I am scared, when I am strong and when I just want to cry and say “really, me??? this??? no family history??? WTF???” . Now I just wait to begin my journey… and my game plan to beat cancer. So thank you for sharing in your blog and for still having it up because even this many months later, you have helped someone else.
    Leslie

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    • Leslie, I’m so glad it helped. Our scenarios sound very familiar – once you get results and have your first team meeting with your doctors, I promise you will feel better. Having a plan is key — its a grueling few months but knowing just what you have to do to get through it is enormously helpful. I have some more chapters to write – it’s been an interesting year looking back on the shitshow that was my life for a bit.

      Keep in touch and let me know how I can help….
      A

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